If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
The instructor (who would ideally be a mother herself with no less than two children) would walk around the room to all of the expectant mothers and zip tie a sack of rice to their forearm, preferably their dominant arm.
The women would then be sent around to different stations to learn to do everyday tasks with one hand.
For the second and third time moms, the tasks will be a little more intense. Buttoning a toddler's shirt, (preferably a screaming toddler) fastening a toddler's carseat, (again, one who's screaming would be a better learning tool) brushing a four year old's teeth, wiping a three year old's ass, wiping their own ass, making a grilled cheese sandwich, applying a bandaid.
For some exercises, the expectant mothers would be allowed partial use of their dominant hand: putting a child's hair in a ponytail, assembling a Lego house, turning pages on books (no less than 7 books in a row) tying shoes and cutting crust off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
There should also be field trips involved. The pediatrician's office, the pharmacy, the DMV and Walmart. During these field trips we will increase the weight of the bag of rice, give it a higher temperature and attach a speaker out of which we will play screaming baby noises.
Before mother's are given a certificate of completion, they must master all of the above tasks without losing their tempers, breaking a sweat or having a "are you effing kidding me" look on their face when a child asks them to perform one of them.
The class will be offered at no cost and every graduate will be given a bottle of cheap wine.
You need Lamaze for about 8-12 hours. You need this for a hell of a lot longer, I promise.
***entire post written and edited on my iPhone, while nursing Elizabeth, using only my right thumb. I'll be your instructor. Classes will be taught at my home, usually when one of my kids needs a nap. You're welcome.***
Happy Friday, friends.
go. do. be.