Yesterday, however, there was no laughing.
Yesterday, when Jeremy got home from work, after picking Logan up from school, he informed me that a friend of his, visiting from out of state, was stopping by for a visit.
Yesterday, I temporarily lost my mind.
But, for reasons that make total sense today, but yesterday I didn't quite understand, I lost it.
I grabbed the Clorox Clean Up, a roll of paper towels, and started crying.
Uncontrollable, hysterical, snot running down my face crying, while I cleaned the toilet in the front bathroom and gathered up laundry like the Tazmanian Devil on meth.
I was running on two hours of sleep and hadn't eaten. I had been listening to a beautiful infant cry for nearly an hour. I had a three year old pulling at my pant leg, begging me for another Capri-Sun. Dinner wasn't planned, there were still spelling words to practice and we were out of milk. I was in desperate need of a shower, a moment of silence and a break from reality.
And instead, we were having company.
I ran around the house, bawling my eyes out, weeping until there was no sound, while Jeremy and my children watched in shock. Brodie followed me around saying, "it's ok, mommy. Ill help. Don't cry. Please, don't cry"
It wasn't pretty.
Jeremy, out of what I can only imagine was desperation, finally stopped me, grabbed me from behind, pinned my arms to my sides and held me.
Held me like he would an out of control toddler. Held me like he was a human straight jacket. Held me like a confused husband, watching his beloved wife have a damn nervous breakdown.
Eventually, I calmed down. After a shower, a quick breath and a cup of coffee, I was better. We had a nice visit. We admired pictures of our friends baby and listened to him tell cute stories about her. He didn't seem to notice that our dining room table was sticky and laughed that I kept my breast pump in the kitchen, like his wife does. There were hugs and jokes and "I miss you"s and then he went on his way.
Later, as I was doing the dishes, Brodie came to my side and asked, "Mommy, when daddy came home, what did he say that made you cry so much?"
And I was heartbroken.
I guess to a three year old, it did sort of look like that was his Daddy's fault. I mean his daddy walked in, said three words, and all hell broke loose.
And then I thought maybe, it may have looked like that to his Daddy as well.
When an exhausted three year old throws a temper tantrum, it's easy to explain away. When an overly tired infant cries because they don't yet know how to soothe themselves to sleep, you rock and hush and sing. When my second grader turns simple things into 10's on the freak out scale, because he's not quite used to his full days spent in class instead of at home on summer break, there is a reason that's easy to see and understand. It's easy to forget, however, that Mommy gets tired, too.
Mommy goes 'back to school', too. Mommy needs a nap, too. Mommy is thirsty and hungry and overstimulated, too.
And when Mommy is tired, she cries.
I told Brodie that his Daddy hadn't done anything wrong. I explained that, just like when he needs a nap and gets cranky, Mommy was just tired. I apologized to Jeremy for making him think I was upset about his friends visit, apologized for being short with my words.
I did not, however, apologize for crying.
Like a tired two year old, I can't always control how my body reacts to exhaustion. I can keep my words kind, keep myself from yelling, control myself from throwing things across the room but, crying is just something that happens.
It happens when you're an infant. It happens when you're three. It happens when you're seven and when you're 32.
It happens when you're human.
At about 11 o'clock last night, when I couldn't listen to the baby cry any longer. When I had run out of things to try to make her happy, I woke Jeremy up, calmly handed her over, and like I've done more than once in my life, I cried myself to sleep.
This morning I'm better. I'm rested, I'm fed, I'm geared up for the daily battles and tantrums and tears and meltdowns that come from my children. I'm not going to have a breakdown or check myself in anywhere. I don't want to run away from home or have a new life.
I like the life I have, thank you.
I was just tired yesterday. A tall, tired, two-year-old in a Mommy and wife and grownup's body.
And I just needed to cry.
Happy Friday, friends.
go. do. be.