I also don’t want to lie to you.
The truth is that the last month has been so jammed packed full of emotion and events and decisions and prayers and tears that I’ve actually found myself unable to bring it to the blog. I’ve found myself unable to write things down for fear of actually having to deal with them. I lay awake at night and go over things in my head, swearing that tomorrow will be the day I write them out, swearing that tomorrow will be the day I face them out-loud, in print, the way I deal best with most things. And then tomorrow comes and the emotion and tears and fear and excitement wake me up with a jolt and I find myself, for one more day, unable to write them out.
But, I’m here this morning. I’m here in this place. I’m here behind this keyboard, nearly crying as I type, ready to start sharing. Ready to resume doing what I do.
And what I do is write.
Every single day in October deserves it’s very own post. Every single day in October deserves truth and recognition. If I wrote every feeling and event and emotion from October down, I’d probably have my first book. I’m not going to write a post for every day, though. It’s too big. It’s too much. What I am going to do, however, is give you the compact version because you deserve that. You. My readers. The ones who show up to this blog even if I skip an entire month. You deserve to know what’s happening.
Within hours of publishing my last post, I got my feelings hurt by one of my best friends of 20 years. I was mad, I was hurt, I was vocal. I still am. Things with that friend still aren’t right and I know that between our pride and my emotions, they might never be. That is something that is still sticking with my soul nearly a month later.
Hours after my feelings were hurt, wounds still open and fresh, I got in the car and drove to Vegas with Jeremy, hopped on a plane to Montana, spent four days in God’s Country, and decided, with my husband, to accept jobs and move my family of five there.
That’s right, friends. The NunnFamily5 is moving to Montana.
Because, moving from the Central Valley of California to the mountains of Montana in February isn’t insane or anything, right?
People keep telling me that Montana is beautiful, which I know. They also keep telling me it’s really, really cold, which is a language I won’t even pretend to understand.
Negative what, now??
Oh, Lord. Be with this California girl…
Anyway. It’s done. It’s decided. The countdown is on and we’re leaving Fresno in 14 weeks. I’ve been in Fresno since 1999. Jeremy has been here since birth. We’ve both been saying since the day we met that we wanted to live somewhere else, wanted to raise our family somewhere else and, after 14 years, we will. We will be living and raising our family somewhere else.
That’s, like, REALLY big.
I want to tell you that things since we’ve made that decision have been easy. I want to tell you that my friends and family have all been supportive and excited and filled to the brim with encouraging words. I want to tell you that but, I can’t.
Anyone who has ever voluntarily relocated their family, including very small, very important children, knows that I can’t tell you that.
Some of my family has been supportive. Some of my friends have been encouraging. Some of the people I love most in this world have been filled to the brim with bright, shiny, happy words.
Others have not.
Anyone who has ever voluntarily relocated their family, including very small, very important children, knows that some of my people have been anything but. Anything but encouraging, anything but excited, anything but supportive.
I read somewhere yesterday that opposites attract in marriage. That if two people were exactly alike in a marriage, one of them was unnecessary. This has been more than true for my marriage the last few weeks. My husband is so confident, so secure. My husband of 11 years doesn’t seem to be bothered in the least bit by the less than warm reception of our news to move to Montana. He’s repeated the phrase, ‘they’ll get over it,’ more times in the last month than I can count.
I am grateful for him. I am grateful for his confidence and determination. He’s my husband. He’s the father to my children. He’s the head of our household and if he wasn’t so secure, so confident, I can promise you that NONE of the rest of us would be. He is strong. I have listened to him pray for this. I have watched him be lead into this. I have promised to hold his hand and set out on this great big adventure with him.
But I on the other hand, his total opposite, have been bothered, been affected, been a total freaking mess. It sucks when people aren’t excited for you. It sucks when people aren’t supportive. It sucks when you are scared completely shitless and stuck in-between Mr. ‘they’ll get over it’ and a family full of ‘how could you do this to us?’
It sucks to be excited within the walls of my own home and then have to step outside of those walls on a daily basis and be smacked in the face with guilt, with heartbreak, with the heavy, heavy weight of what my decisions are doing to the people around me. Knowing in my heart of hearts that I’m doing what is best for my immediate family, the children and the husband that God has trusted me with, and knowing that, in doing so, I am causing the hearts of the people just outside of that immediate family, the ones I love most in this world, to shatter into a million pieces, is not something I would wish on anyone.
Did I mention October was rough?
I don’t imagine November is going to be any easier. Or December. Or January. I don’t imagine anything about the next 14 weeks is going to be easy. Or the next 14 years, for that matter.
What we are doing is big. It’s emotional. It’s big and emotional and very, very exciting. It’s scary. It’s overwhelming. It’s scary and overwhelming and very, very adventurous.
And it’s happening, ready or not.
So, when I can’t find the response I’m looking for because the response I’m looking for changes on a minute to minute basis, I will bring it here. You will give me the response I need. Because, at the end of the day, I think the response I need most is just for someone to listen.
Thanks for listening.
Happy Wednesday, Friends.
go. do. be.