The truth is, it's not about taking care of the kids by myself. That's not why it sucks that Jeremy is now traveling weeks at a time for work.
On a normal weekday, a day when he's home, he leaves for work long before the rest of us get up and he goes to bed long before we've even put our pajamas on.
I usually cook, anyway. I pack lunches and brush teeth and fold laundry and read all the bedtime stories, anyway.
I have three kids, a job, and I stay up way too late.
I'm tired whether he's here or not.
Sure, it's nice that he picks the little one up from daycare. It's nice that he pushes the cart at the grocery store. I like that he mows the lawn and unloads the groceries and fixes all the things but, I'm capable of doing those things by myself. I'll learn to manage all the things. I'm super capable of figuring out all the things.
I don't even mind doing all the things.
The things aren't why I married him.
What sucks is that I miss him.
Not because I'm doing the work of two parents. Not because I'm tired or worn out or overextended. Not even because Elizabeth pulls at my eyelids for fun and Logan and Brodie try to kill each other daily.
But because he makes me laugh. Because he asks me about my day. Because he sings the wrong lyrics to almost every song. Because he let's me drink all of his ice tea. Because he listens to me tell silly stories about so-and-so and what's-her-name and did-I-tell-you-about as I flop my feet over his lap and he flips the channel back and forth between my ballgame and his.
Because long before there were Boy Scout meetings and gymnastics classes, there were inside jokes, there were hopes and dreams. Back before we had car seats and booster seats and automatic sliding doors, we had random drives to random places with me riding shotgun and picking the song on the radio.
The kids miss him, I know. He misses them, too. That part is hard. I love the kind of father he grew up to be and our family of five feels lopsided without him but, before he was the Daddy around here, he was just mine.
My boyfriend. My husband. My guy.
He was my #mcm and my #tbt and my partner in all things Kurt Sutter.
He still is.
We've made it through way harder things than missing one another. WAY harder. It's not the worst thing in the world to miss someone, especially when you know they'll come home eventually.
It's just...hard. It just...sucks. And, for right now, for this season in our life, it just...is.
It's going to teach us something. Most things do. I know that. We'll grow and we'll learn and we'll adapt and overcome. We'll FaceTime and text and make the best of it because that's what Jeremy and I are best at.
And, until he's back, we'll continue sending each other the lyrics to Eric Church's 'Like A Wrecking Ball' because, in fifteen years, they're the only lyrics he's ever gotten right.
Happy Thursday, friends.
go. do. be.