"No matter how many inspiring quotes I read on Pinterest, no matter how many times I say The Serenity Prayer, some days, I just have to throw my hands in the air and declare, 'I'm just in a bad mood!'"
I hate that I have days like that. It bothers me that I'm not always in control of my emotions. I often hate myself because I think that by 33, I should be. I should be able to Choose how I feel and not let my feelings choose me. But, you want to know the hard fact?
Some days, I can't.
No matter how many inspiring quotes I read on Pinterest, no matter how many times I say the Serenity Prayer, some days I just have to throw my hands in the air and declare, 'I'm just in a bad mood.'
I text the BF because, even on my worse day, she's the one I'm never mad at. If life were a 12 step program, she'd be my sponsor. I told her I was broken, told her I was convinced I had chronic PMS that lasted all month long, listed for her all the people I wanted to punch. We text back and forth for an hour or so until she finally decided, 'You're not broken. You just have all the feels.'
I have a lot of feels.
So many feels, in fact, that when people (my shrink) ask me how I Feel, I often respond with, 'uh...' because I can't even pick one to answer with. She hands me a piece of paper with 50 or so faces on it, each a different emotion, and asks me to point to a face that represents how I feel. Something that sounds so simple often ends with me blankly staring at the page until the shrink gives up and moves on.
I mean, really. 50+ emotions?! I couldn't even decide what I wanted for breakfast, lady, and you want me to narrow down my emotion of the day to one?!! Maybe you're the one with the mental health condition.
After work, after some Tylenol, after I shot some nose spray up my nostrils so I didn't have to sleep with my mouth open, I slept. When I woke up this morning, and remembered to take the damn medication, I felt like I had the power to choose. To pick the kind of day I was going to have. Today, I felt like I could manage to not be a bitch. I prayed. Asked God for all the Serenity he had to give, kissed my kids and sang silly songs and took my mom to the Amtrak Station. I had coffee and stalked as many 'power of positive thinking' type Instagram accounts I could find.
And then I forgave myself for being cranky yesterday. For being in a bad mood. For having all the feels.
If I saw you yesterday and I treated you like I wanted to punch you in the face, I probably did. I'm really sorry about that. It probably didn't have anything to do with you, I just have a lot of feels and I can't always handle them. I'm real sorry about that, too, but, it just kinda is. It is NOT, however, an excuse to be a bitch to you for no reason. I know that. And I'm sorry.
Happy Humpday, Friends.
go. do. be.